I was walking through the supermarket and saw like a million magazines talking about Kim Kardashian’s wedding. I was like, I wish everyone would stop talking about Kim K already. She’s the worst.

So I’ve made a list of more meaningful things we can all talk about, each of which is more interesting and authentic than anything to do with Kim Kardashian, and the many other talentless celebrities.

1. Bananas.
Aside from being basically hilarious is every way, bananas are a delicious waffle topping. Bananas also have a very musical and fun kind of name, that makes anecdotal stories involving them all the more amusing.

Kim and Kanye’s wedding, if my imagination can be trusted.

For example: I was once sitting across from my friend eating a banana. It was a phase of my life where I took great joy out of enacting unpredictable events upon my friends and family members. In my mind, I was making their lives more interesting. My friend was telling me some kind of a story, when out of the blue I just jammed my mushy banana into her ear.

Although that sounds like a real jerk thing to do, I’m sure to this day she tells that story, the Banana story of how we stopped being friends.

2. Linoleum.
What is linoleum? How do they make it, and why so often in weird patterns? Does Jackson Pollack have anything to do with the creation of these bizarre designs?

Linoleum is great for exaggerated references. Like, “I’d rather fuck a piece of linoleum than Kim Kardashian.”

3. Weebles.
They Wobble, but they don’t fall down.

4. Larger than average foreheads, or “five-heads,” if you will.
What are the best haircuts for people with five-heads? Do bangs help, or only exacerbate the issue? This is an important topic that very little, if anything, has been written about. So.

5. The Urban Problem of Drive-by Fruitings
I live in a neighborhood where it’s like, you can’t even step outside without getting knocked in the dome with a melon. I wish people cared more.