Something that I think is objectively horrible happened to me today. It was really weird.

I was on the bus. Picture it: I was carrying an ungainly chalkboard- don’t ask why. Wearing my sun-dressiest of sundresses. I got on the bus, sat down, placed the stupid chalkboard up against the railing, and then, a horrible woman I had never seen and didn’t notice because of this chalkboard situation leaned forward, put her face right next to mine, faked a weird sneeze sound, and blew spit all over the side of my face.

It was positively revolting for me.

 I immediately felt hot and feverish, like I could feel my body attacking her germs on my skin. This was, in all probability, my imagination, because I like cannot handle strangers’ bodily fluids etc. Actually I have a pretty strong stomach, it takes a lot to make me heave, but seriously- that woman spitting on my face nearly made me projectile vomit. In a way, I wish I had; it would have seemed just if her spitting on me made me spew vomit on her.

Instead, only word vomit, “what the fuck!”

She wouldn’t look me in the face but she was threatening me, making weird punching gestures and nodding to indicate that she was happy she had spit on my face; it was definitely not an accident.

Feeling completely fucking disgusted that this weird nasty’s saliva and who knows what were currently on my person, on my face, drying into my hair, and to glaze over the issue I have a slightly serious anxiety surrounding germs- well. I pulled the cord to go right back home and shower and sanitize my entire being and this stupid chalkboard was going to hinder me the whole walk back.

But it would be worth it.

Instead, this crazy person then told me if I get off the bus, she’s going to get off too; presumably to beat me up, or follow me home and then beat me up. I definitely got the impression beating me up was on the itinerary.

Incredulous at the lack of reason to this attack, I was outraged. I said stupidly, but angrily: “what’s your problem, I’ve never seen you before in my life.”

She again made fists at me- which was really a singular and strange experience for me, the kind of weirdly overt threat I imagined only happened to people in the movies. Something like slipping on a banana peel. I, obviously, moved to the front of the bus and told the bus driver, expecting him to kick her off. Instead, he asks me to sit at the front and tells me he’ll “watch her.”

She followed me for three more transfers! It was not only unnerving, it was terribly awkward. I had to constantly keep an eye on her, and I had to glare at her a bunch so she would know I was watching her. I hated it.

Also part of this event, two dudes and a girl watched this whole thing unfold. Guess who came the closest to stepping in? The girl. Two full grown men watched a person spit on and threaten to beat me up and/ or follow me home, and just sat there staring.

Chivalry is dead, I said it.

Anyways guys it was really hard for me not to slap her across the face as soon as I realized she had intentionally spit on my face. When I turned around and said relatively calmly, “what the fuck,” I was shaking and full of vindicated rage when I saw her fists and her threats and I could have at the very least given her one of those angry loud soap opera  open-palmed slaps and no one could have said it wasn’t justified.

But I think I made the smarter choice. Because, I don’t know.

Because she might have been a fucking ghetto lunatic and whip out a switch blade and straight up murder me. Idk, I feel like any person psycho enough to spit on and threaten a complete stranger for no reason at all is not given the benefit of any doubt.

Even though I clearly decided wisely because I am not now dead, nor have I sustained any damage to “tha moneymakaaaah,” I also feel pissed off and like I let someone victimize me with impunity. I mean I’ve always liked to believe I am a vengeful person. I know that sounds weird to say, but I pride myself on my pride. I’ve always imagined myself as a Montressor, not some chump Fortunato. I’d rather be a snake with it’s venomous teeth wide and poised to poison the foot that bashes it’s head in. I’ve always seen myself as the type of asshole to take down the asshole who takes me down.

It’s in my genes and you can’t take it from us.

However, I let someone spit in my face today.

I feel ashamed and proud of myself for bein’ such a dang grown up about it all.

But…..We all have our limits right. I mean, if I get sick it’s a whole ‘nother can of worms. If I get some sort of nasty germ flu cold cough ear infection.

If that happens, I will haunt that bus stop until I find that woman, forcefully pry open her mouth, hold her down, and blow my nose into her gaping throat. Just hold her down with my crazy small person strength and slime her like Slimer.

Y’all better take heed you sick little germie germs! NOBODY GERMS ME WITH IMPUNITY! NOBODY!!!!!!


I told you I was glazing over the issue.