Welcome to You Got Served, where I, your waitress, tell you why you, the customer, are the biggest fucking dumbass on earth and need to know how dumb you are so you can stop inflicting your dumbness on us- the people who are smarter than you think we are and are just here to charm you and take yo’ cash, WHAT.
*dark sax intro*
*making my voice low and weird* So picture this. I’m at work, working as I do, and of course, I get this asshole table, and I could just tell- this is a dang old table of assholes.
Then I get there, I get them water, I wait around, blah blah blah- the usual song and dance. Eventually, I go to take their order, and they all just stare at me like they’re confused about what’s happening. As if I were some kind of a surprise snake in a can that they didn’t expect when they went outside of their domicile to dine.
And I’m like, “Jesus fucking christ, Ed! You’d have to gag me with a spoon to make me sit at a restaurant for this long without a drink!”
I mean I sit down at Swiss Chalet, I’m like, “Chicken and Ribs, Thousand, Decaf!”
Not really, that’s a shout out.
But for real, I know what I want to drink within two sex.
Seriously, twice the sex is all it takes to make me want a cocktail.
Ha! Ugh, I’m the worst in the way I distract myself, like by word-flirting with myself.
Anyways listeners, the tip of the day is: when you go to a restaurant, someone will attempt to serve you things, and they will ask you what you want. Be prepared to be asked these kinds of questions, and try to act like it’s not terrifying or confusing for you. The best way to act as though you find this normal and expected is to a) acknowledge that a person has asked you a question and b) come up with an answer within a reasonable time frame. Failure to do so will guarantee that at least one other person knows you are the human equivalent of a dodo bird.
And as you know- the motto of our show is, “if you can’t be smart, you can at least hide that you’re stupid!”
*uplifting sax music*